What Should I Do If I Caught My Tween or Teen Masturbating

Many parents, regardless of how open-minded they are, might feel shocked or embarrassed if they found themselves asking, what should I do if I caught my tween or teen masturbating? The realization of our children as sexual beings can indeed be startling. But as uncomfortable as this situation may be, it’s essential to remember that fostering healthy sexuality is a part of raising well-adjusted children. Open discussions about sex education are crucial, which includes encouraging positive attitudes towards sexuality. After initial embarrassment, embracing this challenge becomes a crucial step towards their development.

Why Put Yourself Through That?

Research demonstrates that American parents are notoriously bad at having frank conversations about sexuality with their children. Avoiding conversations about sexuality does not lead to chastity but rather to more risky sexual conduct at a younger age. In fact, according to a poll taken in 2012, 87 percent of young people stated they would have been better able to delay sexual activity and avoid pregnancy if they had been able to discuss sexuality more freely with their parents. Another important takeaway from this poll is that “teens make clear that parents matter more than many probably think (teens say parents most influence their decisions about sex).”

We also live in a time where it’s easier than ever to find sexually explicit material, often from places we wouldn’t want our kids learning about the world. The question, “When it comes to sexuality education, should I want my kid to watch videos on YouTube or listen to me?” is instructive. Visualizing the end result and figuring out how to get there from now is also useful. I’m presuming that you want your child to grow up to be a self-assured person who can hold healthy sexual relationships based on mutual respect and consent for themselves and others. Not a single parent I know is appreciative of this aspect of American culture. Without us, there would be a significant lack of good messaging.

What to Do When Someone Is Masturbating

If you walk in on your child masturbating, it’s understandable to wait a while before bringing up the subject. After apologizing for barging into your daughter’s room without knocking, you may want to use this moment to talk to her about a developmental milestone that will affect the rest of her life. (An important privacy lesson for everyone!)

After you’ve calmed down on your own or talked it over with a trusted friend or spouse, you’ll be able to approach the issue with your child as a level-headed adult. Doing so signals that masturbation, and all other sex-related topics, are fair game for discussion. Keep in mind that this masturbation discussion is just one stop on the sex-talk express! In this case, the tone of your voice and how you respond to your child are more significant than the words you use.

However, if your tween is anything like the other tweens I know, they will likely curl up into a ball of embarrassment and try to roll away when you bring up the subject of masturbation. Consider how to approach the subject in a way that respects your child’s individual level of comfort. If you know they’ll be embarrassed by a serious, straight conversation, they probably won’t notice a word you say. Consider the most important points you wish to make, then speak briefly and informally until they express an interest in hearing more.

How to Have a Healthy Conversation About Masturbation

• Make sure they know it’s perfectly normal and healthy. To reassure you: “Just so you know, it’s perfectly fine and healthy to do things to boost your own self-esteem.”
• Sex is primarily about having fun. Girls need to learn this lesson more than anyone else! It’s beneficial to be aware of the things that reliably make you happy. The happiness of you and your future mate is of equal importance.
• There is no reason to feel guilty. There’s no shame in touching oneself affectionately. Most people do it, but it’s a private act.

Children who are just beginning to experiment with masturbation may benefit from hearing that it is strictly a private matter that should never be discussed in public. Tweens who are typically developing typically have the cognitive capacity to distinguish between private and public activity; those with developmental deficits may require assistance.

Body Autonomy Benefits

To help you process your feelings about your child’s sexuality, consider the positive effects that masturbation can have on adolescent development. Finding their own source of joy gives individuals control over their bodies. Future successful sexual relationships hinge on this sense of bodily freedom. Masturbation is the risk-free way for young people to express and explore their sexuality, as there is no risk of contracting an STD or getting pregnant.

Sexual Discussions

I can’t say where in the timeline of sex conversations with your tween you currently are, but I can assure you that it’s not as simple as having “one birds-and-bees discussion and done.” Talking to your child about sex and sexuality is an ongoing process that will change in focus and depth as he or she develops. To foster intergenerational dialogue, I think every family should start a library. If your 8-year-old is curious about something, like masturbation, you can encourage his curiosity by reading to him.

Conclusion

Whether we expected the reality of raising sexual beings when we anticipated having children or whether it caught us by surprise when we stepped into our child’s room during private time, the overall sex taboo in many cultures makes this one of the trickiest elements of parenting. We may be patient with ourselves as we consider how to help best our children develop into people who can look back on their sexuality with pride and satisfaction.

Meaningful articles you might like: Discussing Mental Health and Suicide Prevention with Your Teens, Implementing Screen Time Limits with Teens, Effective Positive Parenting Techniques for Teens