### Effective Strategies for Resisting Pelagian Parenting

What if the role of being a parent was seen as a path to sanctification, accelerating our journey towards a greater purpose beyond self-gratification and hedonism? How might this shift in perspective influence our perception of the challenges associated with parenting in our society?

In his book Family Unfriendly: How Our Culture Made Raising Kids Much Harder Than It Needs to Be, Timothy Carney explores this very concept, blending meticulous social research and cultural examination with insights rooted in Roman Catholic teachings and humor. The narrative progresses from practical advice such as tempering expectations for your children to broader discussions on urban development and family-oriented policies, delving into the spiritual and civilizational aspects—all the while maintaining a subtle sense of wit.

Carney, a distinguished figure at the American Enterprise Institute and a prominent columnist at the Washington Examiner, sheds light on the profound impact of culture. He astutely notes the contagious nature of pregnancy, showcasing how communities like Catholics and Latter-day Saints in Utah or Orthodox Jewish families in Israel tend to have larger families, hinting at influences beyond individual inclinations.

Nevertheless, culture isn’t always a benevolent force. Despite the inherent challenges of parenthood, modern societal norms exacerbate these difficulties, particularly in terms of isolation and the pursuit of perfection.

Family Unfriendly

Timothy P. Carney

In our current cultural milieu, parents are often pressured to adhere to a singular approach to child-rearing: overscheduling activities, shielding children from adversity, and striving for elite college admissions at any cost. The repercussions of this approach are evident in escalating rates of anxiety, depression, medication dependency, financial strain, and social isolation. Carney advocates for a departure from this failed paradigm of hyper-parenting, advocating for larger families, more enjoyment, less structured activities, and a focus on instilling values beyond material success.

Parenting Alone

The modern landscape, including the realm of parenting, has become increasingly solitary, especially for those who choose to stay at home. Unlike the mid-20th century when a majority of families could afford to have one parent dedicated to home life, today’s reality sees a decline in single-income households. This shift has deprived stay-at-home parents of the communal support that once alleviated the challenges of early parenthood. The dwindling presence of caregivers in shared spaces has not only heightened loneliness but also impacted the fabric of civil society. Carney underscores the vital role of parents in creating safer and more vibrant communities, emphasizing the reciprocal relationship between parental presence and societal well-being.

Perfectionistic Pelagian Parenting

A prevalent temptation in contemporary parenting is the pursuit of perfection, epitomized by what Carney terms the “Travel Team Trap” or what could be likened to “Pelagian Parenting.” This obsessive drive to mold flawless individuals from a young age, often through relentless extracurricular demands, reflects a misguided quest for autonomy. This fixation on self-sufficiency echoes historical heresies like Pelagianism, distorting the essence of human nature. Parenthood, in its essence, necessitates relinquishing autonomy, a process that Carney views as a profound blessing. By surrendering the illusion of control, parents can discover the true path to fulfillment and happiness, fostering resilience in their children through genuine care and guidance.

Become Holy

Contrary to the notion that large families are instrumental in reclaiming societal influence, Carney proposes a different perspective in Family Unfriendly. Rather than focusing on demographic impact, he underscores the transformative power of parenthood in shaping individuals for the better. Parenthood, as Carney humorously illustrates, offers daily opportunities for acts of mercy and selflessness, embodying a form of common grace. While not prescribing a universal mandate for large families, the narrative advocates for a societal framework that facilitates and supports the enriching experience of raising children, recognizing it as a fundamental aspect of human interconnectedness and spiritual growth.

John Shelton (MDiv, Duke University; BA, University of Virginia), the policy director for Advancing American Freedom, resides in Washington, DC, with his wife and three children, actively engaging in their local community.