My Parents Just Asked Me for an Impossible Sacrifice, and I’m Furious

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mom works a job that requires sporadic travel, and my dad is often between jobs. It was better when I was a kid, but at this point they don’t make a lot of money, and unfortunately I don’t either. They live in my childhood home: a former hunting cabin that was vaguely winterized in the 1990s and is heated with wood. I live in a two-bedroom apartment with three roommates in the nearest big town, about 90 minutes away. I recently had unavoidable surgery, and I’m under a weight restriction for the next three weeks. I’ve been managing at work but since my jobs don’t have paid time off, my budget is tight.

My parents’ insurance covers yearly visits and is ok for injury/illness, but Dad hasn’t had a yearly visit in my memory. Every few years I beg him to go, every time we argue and he doesn’t go. To be honest, I love my dad a lot, but as an adult I don’t like him. We eventually always get on speaking terms again, but it’s rocky. About a week ago, a hernia that he’s apparently had for months and kept secret went nuclear, and he’s not mobile enough for stairs or bending or lifting. The doctor can’t see him until January and their insurance isn’t good enough for them to shop around for an earlier appointment with another doctor.

Mom is about to go away for work. She called me and asked me to come take care of him and the fire and I am furious at him, physically unable to do it, and can’t afford it.

But there aren’t a lot of options since they can’t pay someone to do it and their friends are all aging and working too. I’ve arranged a borderline-impossible schedule where I pick up every back to back shift there is before my mom’s trip, and then try to help him and keep some shifts during her trip. And bundle him in warm clothes and ask some neighbors he hates to come check on the fire when I’m gone. But I’m so angry and I want to never ever do this again. It’s only going to get worse since they’re both only 50 now. I’m so scared for the future. I’m an only child and my dad doesn’t speak to his family, or mom’s family. I can’t imagine what the future could look like. How do I keep this from repeating if something more serious happens?

—Daughter but Not Caregiver

Dear Daughter,

It doesn’t really sound like you will be able to manage your dad’s care while your mom travels for work, given his needs, your recent surgery and work schedule, and the fact that you live an hour and a half away. Whether you go ahead with the plan is entirely up to you—I know you’ve already put a lot of effort into trying to make it work. But even if you do go through with it, I would tell your parents that this is a one-time arrangement under special circumstances, and that you can’t (and won’t be able to) do it again.

I understand that it will be hard for them to make other arrangements next time, and I’m not unsympathetic. But their needs are considerable, and the truth is that you can only do what you can do. This upcoming visit you’re planning is already going above and beyond what is workable for you. That’s not your fault, nor is it something you need to upbraid yourself for; that is just reality. And you aren’t alone in this—most people’s lives aren’t set up for them to be able to take time off on very little notice and focus on caregiving for days or weeks in a place they don’t currently live.

Your parents might not be able to call on other family members. I’m sure it won’t be easy for them to make other arrangements if your father isn’t mobile. But they would have to figure something out if you weren’t in the picture. And going forward, they need to plan as though you can’t drop everything to be there—because you can’t.

Let your parents know that, after this current situation hopefully resolves, they will need to make other arrangements for your dad’s care needs. If you feel able, offer to help them research alternatives, tap into community support, find available assistance, etc. Make sure they know that you can’t be their contingency plan every time—you don’t live there, and you don’t have the resources. If you lose your job, can’t pay your rent, or sacrifice your own health, that’s no solution. And it’s not good for them, in the long run, to depend on someone whose capacity to help simply doesn’t meet their needs.

—Nicole

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